In--------Dependence!

"---to refuse the perfect generosity of the earth. To refuse

"in dependence." It sometimes seems to me we will do anything not to have to say "but by your kindness."---Ross Gay, Inciting Joy​

I picked up Ross Gay’s book a few days ago, Inciting Joy, (love it) and in the second essay he shines his attention on dependence in his particular way (which I adore) that nudged me because---

I've been attempting to write about dependence for awhile. Haven't gotten it where I want it and decided to give it my best for this moment! I am so curiously engaged with it!

Before we go further tho---

Take a breath with me.

Ahhhh. Maybe one or two more big deep ones. So good to take deep breaths!!!

My warm bare foot has wiggled its way from under the weighty winter down.

Hanging off the edge of the bed.

The rest of this body, curled like a C

Beginning to stir in the hours of the hushing wisp of a window

Slowly closing on the night world.

In that space, the liminal (I love this word and what it means) world

between dreaming and sleepy consciousness,

I am here in this bed emerging,

I pause, roll onto my back and breathe in.

Both my hands gently resting on my heart

I whisper a tender thank you to the air that plumps my cells

This elemental dependence my body has on this (often) invisible gas,

so necessary, for human life.

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It’s a fairly new (a yearish) ritual that winds its way into the bathroom as I slip toothbrush into my mouth and then thank the water that pours out of the cold tap. ---

And then to my coffee making ritual, after which I land my body snuggly tucked into a cozy chair by the east window continuing the spilling litany of thanksgiving prayers for as much as I can name that I depend, and inter-depend on/with.

It’s become a beautiful practice (including tears of joy and grief streaming) of loving the world as I reflect/write/read/dance--- before the tumbling of sun and earth align their spins for light to greet the the place I am situated.

All these parts I’ve neglected to praise and thank for so many years. Neglected to bear witness, to lift up and offer homage too. To recognize the truth of my need.

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Wondering about the way I’ve held dependence (away from this body), the way I’ve often ignored its voice, its place in the world. It’s been out on the edge, ghost-like. How it wraps and wends its way in and through.

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Independence being the story I was weaned on, raised on, lifted off with. The A,B,C’s.

I remember my first apartment in Oswego NY. (shared with my former R.A.s girlfriend)

19 years old.

The one I paid for scraping by with a student loan and a part time job in the college cafeteria.

Going to the grocery store and buying canned green beans and mac and cheese.

Standard dinner fair.

Being just able to pay my bills.

I had reached the nirvana of being an independent person.

An adult of sorts.

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How about you?

What rises up when you consider dependence and you? What is the felt body sense? The narratives that flood? The feelings?

Many of you could or have written an independence story. In red, white and blue.

And likely, some of you are shaking your head, you’ve known this dependence story like you know the feel of your fingers entwined, laced together in your lap.

I am wondering and wandering down pathways exploring how to embrace dependence like the wrap around hugs with my dear friend Victoria. Holding until both bodies have relaxed into fully deliciously connected-ness-ing.

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How do I acknowledge and value my dependence as much as I value interdependence? Are they rooted in the same forest?

Not sure where independence sits anymore...and being in the discomfortable bath of that!

Do the narratives need blending? Does language need to grow out, up, change?

I wonder if I more deeply integrate my dependence will I begin to treat air, water, soil, insects...and you more reverently?

How does being rooted to all life affect how I see/be/do?

What if dependence and inde--- aren’t two sides of a coin?

What if lingering and living in---dependence is a cog on the wheel of the great turning?

What if acknowledging dependence brings me/us closer to the source of life?

What if acknowledging dependence helps me/us love each other more?

What if acknowledging dependence is one of the turns we could take that supports opening the faucets wide to sharing and caring outside of capitalist systems?

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I think about the systems that I am reliant on for my basic needs and how I haven’t really recognized how dependent I am because they have always been there for me. Invisible in the everydayness.

Turn on a tap, water pours out. Turn up the heat, warmth enters the space. Go to the store, stock up on food.

I am so removed from chopping wood and carrying water. So removed from the reality of drought by a faucet that has more than enough.

I wonder if part of my disconnect to really living into and embodying my dependence has been the false sense of separation because of the distancing big systems create?

And---

I know I am not alone in the daily practice of thanking (thank you Robin Wall Kimmerer, Sophie Strand, Bayo Akomolafe, Alexis Pauline Gumbs, and so many others) and I wonder if more and more and more of us humans did that, the shape of how we see/be/do would also shift? (How we inhabit living?)

I know I am not alone in pondering dependence. And how I/we are shaped by our language and narratives and...

Thank you.

“What could be a better indication of man’s continued dependence on nature than the fact that today’s so-called post-industrial societies satisfy most of their food needs through imports from so-called underdeveloped countries?”-Vandana Shiva

​Pause. Take another few nice deep breaths.

Ahh.

To consider: Choose a question a phrase or word from this post or a thought or feeling or sense that came to you and place it in your heart. Ponder, reflect, wonder, bring it to the dinner table or a work event or walk with a friend, weave it in for the next week or so...see what arises.

​Lastly. I watched the beautiful film Mission Joy with Desmond Tutu and The Dalai Lama. I watched them pray as the other was talking and I watched the physicality and the mischievous ways they showed their love and joy for each other and the world. I saw how there was a quality of dependence as they moved and held each other. The support around them. So much beauty in this film and lots to reflect on.

May we wend our way back/forward to EACH other...

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Big love to and a dose of musing to you all,

​Carol

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