Adulthood and Where We Stand
Hello Everyone,
How are you?
So much up in our personal and collective lives. To consider. To reveal. To support the Great Turning. (and my favorite Great Turning song right now!).
This post unpacks a sliver of my life---how I came to understand adulthood from a deeper and wider lens...and the pain and loss, joy and creativity that comes with the territory.
How does racism, COVID19, and “adulthood” factor into our potential to ‘become’ right now?
Our individual and collective choices.
Mandates and guidelines.
Power-over or power-with.
Healthy politics and health care systems and not so healthy or helpful.
Loco parentis or fully initiated adulthood.
The quote up top from Bill Plotkin's book, Nature and the Human Soul, resonates as truth in my body. His book outlines the stages of life based on an eco-soulcentric way of living.
Stages not ages.
Moving through time with mystery and initiations and developmental milestones that include the connection to nature and soul.
Time is not as linear or as tidy.
We don’t all pass through every stage completely which means a 20 year old can be an initiated adult (even an elder) and a 60 year old, not.
That is such a helpful frame, at this time especially, as I see many younger leaders and activists as much wiser than myself.
Plotkin also examines, and weighs in about the systems and constructs that form the egocentric wheel (page 71 in the book)---the one I see most embedded in the constructs of this country and in myself.
It’s a bit grim to read (we are in process of changing) and consider--and nonetheless resonated as truth to me.
I first read Plotkin’s book when my friend Christine suggested it---within weeks of the disintegration of my 28 year partnership. About nine years ago.
I was in the midst of the dark night of the soul. Vacillating between--- what have I done and what will I do...and is this the right way...can I go back?
The fear of the unknown---who am I without this relationship--of cutting off a person (my husband) and part of myself... and then every time I thought I needed to go back, saying something that shut that door tighter.
Honestly I was more than a bit of a mess. I was unmoored, it felt like I’d lost an arm and a leg.
And looking back----I pinpointed the moment I began to nudge at the outer edges of the cocoon of cultural and personal constructs that bound me. A moment --- had I been raised in a more eco-soulcentric system would have, most likely, happened at a much earlier age.
Maybe this will be familiar to some of you.
I was 40. it was my birthday.
My then husband Mark and I, sat in a tiny fine dining restaurant in Manzanita, Oregon (our young children being cared for by my sister).
A celebratory night out.
And lo and behold a single young woman sat down next to us, and we both, being of the friendly sort, reached out and invited her into our world.
Within minutes- she and I were off and running.
An intense, provocative, deep, meaningful conversation ensued --- Mark chiming in, but honestly secondarily---
I don’t recall the details---however my body can vividly tap into the woken up energy, the vitality and aliveness that welled up that late May evening.
On our walk back to the cabin we had rented, the ocean breeze delighting my senses, Mark said something like, “she was a kindred spirit for you”. And yes. She was.
After that encounter I became, partly, a person possessed.
On a mission.
I needed to figure out my purpose. I wanted to drink from the well that got woken up with that evocative encounter with a soul friend.
I needed a sense of meaning---those qualities of vitality and aliveness.
A deeper connection with self/soul and the world.
It’s hard to put into words what was missing...it was a “felt sense” of me-ness...like being on a precipice, overlooking a magical mysterious land and “a knowing” more of "me" was out there.
Away from comfort and safety and frozen-ness.
-----I navigated between my life as it was, many wonderful moments as a family and in community. And the deep well of loneliness and offness and joy and aliveness I was unearthing. At the same time covering up with the identities (at the time, and can be) thought of as healthy; foodie, health nut, runner, skier, hiker, “good mama”, attentive friend, volunteer, nurse, etc. And for all intents and purposes it was/is “normal life”...Distractions from contemplation and soul growth can easily be seen and normalized as busyness and healthy activity.----and sometimes they are (healthy). Learning to distill and discern.----
12 years later on an early January day I left my marriage.
There was some part of me that thought I was going to die if I didn’t get out. (my body had tanked, the stress from living partial truths manifested as an autoimmune disease diagnosis)
In retrospect it was actually parts of me that I couldn't’ see a way to birth in that particular dynamic. My soul's last ditch effort for a voice in my life.
And I didn’t leave my marriage all tied up in a bow.
Not neatly.
I soiled the nest.
I disrupted a family.
I disengaged.
I had changed. He had not.
It wasn’t pretty.
And I was doing the best I could.
I wish I could have done better.
“Humility is the only lens through which great things can be seen--and once we have seen them, humility is the only posture possible.”
― Parker Palmer
In those moments of chaos and darkness Plotkin’s words became a life line, a refuge and a fresh ground to live on and from.
My copy is a bit weathered, it's been poured over, marked up, and dogeared. It remains a mainstay, a book beside my chair, a template of the world we can create.
The deepest gleaning was done in those dark times.
I began putting out offerings (circles) to come together and embody the soul. And further down the path, meeting Casey---and together manifesting, what is now; Wonder upRising---seeds of cultural renaissance.
All this to say:
Is this time the collective dark night of the soul?
Is this a time of collective initiation into a deeper more meaningful adulthood (if you are of adult age)?
Is this our opportunity to develop and offer innovative systems that work for all living beings?
If so, what kinds of questions do we need to be asking?
Who and what can guide us?
How do we stay with the discomfort of the dark night...the social distancing, mask wearing, job losses, death counts, etc. in order to free ourselves from domination systems?
“Without inner change there can be no outer change. Without collective change, no change matters.”
― angel Kyodo williams
And as you can see, any way you slice it, I came into an engaged eco-soul centered adulthood way past the time we see ourselves as “adults”. (And adolescence is a stage that has meaning and importance. It’s a stage, not a lifetime. Due to lack of initiations, celebrations, rites of passage and white supremacy, patriarchy, sexism, racism, etc., we can stay stuck for years.)
And as far as adulthood and fully understanding whiteness (I am a white cis-gender middle class female) unpacking white supremacy and dismantling racism---I am in process.
I am more adolescent than adult.
Many layers to be peeled, revealed and healed.
What I needed then and now are frameworks outside of the social, religious, educational and economic constructs I’d been raised and steeped in.
“Soul rooted service is the adults way of loving the world”- Bill Plotkin, Nature and the Human Soul
With all that, I want to invite you to consider a couple questions about adulthood and race and the systems and beliefs that shape us.
What’s your definition of adulthood? Where did you learn it? How do you know it’s true? What’s the larger definition you have been steeped in?
How can we stay in the emotional discomfort of acknowledging white supremacy’s impact long enough to commit to sustained action and cultural change?
If these piqued your interest HERE is a link to our fresh PDF mini-workbook on Adulthood and Where We Stand, with more questions and prompts!!
And I wanted to offer the following people/organizations who have and continue to help me evolve. Examples of alive, integrative systems created by wise adults. Bringing together---Soul and Role, Environmental Justice with Spiritual Practices, Movement and Mindfulness, Trauma, Body and Community etc.
Joanna Macy and Chris Johnstones book; Active Hope and Joanna’s The Work that Reconnects
Shariff Abdullah’s book: Creating a World that Works for All and the Commonway Institute
Resmaa Menakem’s book: My Grandmother's Hands and his training.
angel Kyodo williams book: Radical Dharma and her resources and community.
Parker Palmer’s books: A Hidden Wholeness, Healing the Heart of Democracy (his circles of trust)
Bill Plotkin’s book: Nature and the Human Soul, The Animus Valley Institute
jon a. powell and his team at The Institute of Othering and Belonging
Russell and Linda Delman: The Embodied Life School
Layla Saad workbook: Me and White Supremacy and her accompanying circle facilitation process.
And lastly our recent creation and free resource: Dismantling Racism Accountability and Commitment Circle Guide!
It’s for white people who want to support and be supported to dismantle and recreate, or lift up already created systems that support a world that works for all.
People who want to hold each other lovingly and firmly accountable through listening, witnessing, affirming and extending.
You can check that out HERE.
And a big shout out to all the other innovators and creatives who have developed transformative, collaborative, and power-with processes, and systems that I haven’t mentioned here or haven’t yet dove into.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
So much humility needed.
So much unpacking.
Contemplation and reflection.
Interrogation and disruption.
We can turn towards...a world that works for all.
Together.
With a deep bow,
Carol