One Listening Tip for This Week!
Ah. Wonder arrives in our listening/shifting conversation. YAY.
I’m going to attempt to be brief.
As many of us gather with family or friends this week, if some of you are like me, there is sometimes residual irritation or activation with loved ones.
For instance: I’ve been hurt in the past by something they said, I don’t agree with their politics or religion, I have a long history of feeling reactive around them, or_________ fill in the blank for yourself!
Wondering has become a portal (when I remember to use it!!) of change.
It moves me out of my judgments, othering, binary thinking, or seeing someone as one dimensional---and into a liminal space.
Which allows for potential magic.
My experience is that when I lead with wonder, judgment doesn't have room to show up. Temporarily, at least.
Which often allows something else to float to the surface, or catch a ride on the wind---of a particular interaction.
For instance:
Sometimes compassion rises.
Sometimes a raw vulnerability.
Sometimes more curiosity.
Sometimes an aha moment.
Sometimes a more relaxed nervous system.
Sometimes words that are helpful.
Sometimes it helps me create a new boundary.
Sometimes a circle of care, or a moment of tenderness.
AND
Often all it does is hold back the tide of reactions or the old patterns.
And that is enough!
If you want to explore this---
My suggestion would be to keep the wondering internal if this is your first time. You don't need to ask these out loud. See what shows up in you, by softening the edges, or activation in yourself. But of course do what feels right for you and this relationship.
Here are a few wondering phrases you could try, or make up your own!
Considering what is happening for them:
I wonder if they are feeling_______? (insert feelings---guessing what they might be feeling)
I wonder what got them to that thought process?
I wonder who they would be without that thought?
I wonder if they want______?(insert what you imagine they might want, or what you would want, if you were in there shoes)
I wonder if they are as activated as I am?
Or what is happening for me:
I wonder why I am not comfortable saying "excuse me", and walking away?
I wonder how to say I don’t agree, and I love you in the same sentence?
I wonder why a part of me is so activated?
I wonder what part I play in this dynamic?
I wonder if there is one small shift I can make that would change things in a helpful way?
THEN
Notice what shifts in you.
What did you learn?
It’s a practice. Not a perfect. I fall down 100 times and get up 101 because it does create some magical shifts when I do it!!
May your days be wonder-full!
P.S. Check out The Unheard of Listening Course. A gift to your future. Online, sliding scale, self paced!